


Please Spock

by Tarvok



Series: Dear... [45]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Past molestation mentioned, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2018-01-03 06:06:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1066969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarvok/pseuds/Tarvok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim needs to talk to Spock about some painful things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Spock

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for reference to past non-consensual acts with a minor.

Please Spock,  
As dictated late one morning by Jim.

By Tarvok

Rated T for the dark theme, anthro-misandry, language, and sexual references. M/M, Gen. Character study. Catharsis. Nu!Trek.

 

Please Spock, I need to talk. I know we could talk whenever I want to, but I just... I just can't muster up enough of me to say any of this to your face, so I'm doing it while you're sleeping in that chair by the window.

You're probably used to that by now. I mean, you don't talk about painful stuff either, and I know your dad doesn't, so this is probably how all you Vulcans do things. If you talk about the really painful stuff at all, that is.

…

Heh. Bones thinks I need a shrink. Fuck shrinks, Spock. I've seen more than my share of them growing up. I know you know something about that, but you don't know everything. My step-dad was an asshole to me until I moved out at sixteen. I know that's a huge part of why Sam is such an asshole. He got to have the Great George Kirk for a while, then Frank. I only ever got one, so I don't know what it's like to have a dad who doesn't hate you.

Well, that's not completely accurate. Your dad is great, Spock. If Frank had even been a quarter the man Sarek is, maybe I wouldn't be so messed up. I know, I know. Bones thinks I'm just fucking fine. Maybe I am compared to most. I don't know. He thinks all the trouble I've got with sleeping is because of what happened with Khan. Fuck. He has no idea. No fucking clue. Even saying that fucker's name makes me sick. Mom never gave a shit about what he did to me. He wasn't even man enough, so he did it after everybody else was asleep. Sam would just laugh at his faggot of a brother whenever I'd... come out of my room in the morning and... couldn't walk. Mom wouldn't let me stay home from school, either. I'd have to deal with everyone laughing at me because I couldn't change into my gym clothes... so I'd just stand there and cry... Stupid snot. Why am I such a baby? All I do is cry now.

…

He probably thinks I liked it. I used to think I did. Hell, I still thought that until the first time we had sex and I realised that no, I only like Vulcans. I don't like the peen, unlike what they all think. I'm not gay, and I wish everyone would fucking stop it with the cock jokes whenever they find out I have a husband. God. You're Vulcan, and I'm a whore. That's why they make the jokes isn't it? I get laid two times in my life, and one is the person I'm married to... but I have boundary issues, so they think I'm a whore. I just want someone to hold me. Why is it wrong that I can easily find women to do that if I asked?

…

Frank thought I was a whore, too, but I never let him have me. He always had to hold me down. Fuck. I can't breathe.

…

…

… 

It's helped me a lot, Spock, that what you've got there is so amazingly beautiful and not at all like what I have. But you know that already. I told you that a long time ago. It makes me think about how damned blessed your mom was to find your dad. Human men are disgusting. I don't know how you can even touch me there and like it as much as you do. But you can touch me however you want to. I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy, Spock, or I can't pretend I am.

God, Spock. I know your dad's sent away for a Mind Healer to replace T'Nai. He never even pretended this new one was for him. I know he's seen shit in my head. I didn't want him to, but it just got to be too much yesterday. I couldn't take it anymore. All I've ever seen when I close my eyes are horrors. I just can't deal with it anymore. I've lost everything, Spock. The only thing keeping me going was the Enterprise. Seeing those stars all the time, nearly every day... that was all I lived for. My life is over. I have you, but that's it. What am I gonna do when you can't stand having an invalid for a husband anymore? You're a fucking Vulcan. You're hugely stronger than I am, and you're wonderful and beautiful. You don't deserve a fuck-up like me. God, you're so beautiful, Spock. You're so beautiful. It hurts to look at you, but all I want to do is stare. 

…

Fuck, Spock. When's the last time we even made love? God. It was back in August! I don't even remember how you feel inside me anymore. I miss that. It's the only thing that can make me feel like he isn't still there. Everywhere.

…

What the fuck?

God. Not again. Mom's banging on the fucking door again. I wish she'd just fucking go home back to her boring cows and leave me in peace. I thought it'd be nice with her here, but all she does is bring shit up like, “What're you gonna do now that you can't work?” Or my favorite, “I know you were lying to me about Frank. Why else would you be with another man? You should've just admitted it to everyone.” Yeah, because when a fucking asshole rapes you, you always make it up if you end up gay. Jesus. I'm not even gay! I can't stand men.

Tell Sarek to send her home. I can't take it anymore.

Jo sent Sam a letter demanding he apologise to me. I thought it was so sweet and cute, Spock. Then he bitched at Mom and now she won't let it go. She went at me before bed. You were showering and she came in and started in on me. Saying I had to be “understanding.” Yeah, well, I know for a fact she never said that shit to him when he was so busy harassing you, or laughing at me. Last Summer, he grabbed my ass and asked if I liked it. Can you fucking believe that? And now I can't even get into space to get off this damed planet and as far away from them both as is possible. Forever.

…

Your dad was thinking about going to New Vulcan for a visit soon. I want to go, too. He said he'd make sure they made me comfortable. Since the atmosphere should be easier on me, I figure Bones will let me go. I need to be around people who don't stink of hatred and disease. God, Spock. I'm such a mess. Your dad knows it, too. I feel bad that I cried in front of him. I was such a baby. He knelt down in front of me and asked me what was wrong, and I just took one look at him and started to scream. I scared myself nearly to death doing it, too. But he just grabbed me and held me and said he'd fix it. He started to hum this weird song that I think was a Vulcan lullaby or something. It was nice. I got snot all over his clothes, but he didn't care at all. Heh. He even wiped my nose like I was five. Maybe I am, compared to how old he is. I feel like I've always been five.

He told me about how when you were really small you hurt all the time. He said it was because your biology was so different. He told me you used to cry and scream all day and night until you passed out sometimes. He said that when your mom needed rest, he'd hold you while you cried. God, that must've hurt his brain. He did say that once you hit, like, Vulcan puberty or something, it stopped. I'm crying again... Sorry if this thing... messes up the dictation. It's hard. I keep having to stop to catch myself.

…

I think I love him, Spock. Sarek. But every time I think that, I picture Frank and I get so sick I almost throw up. What's wrong with me, Spock? God. I'm really messed up. He's just your dad. He wouldn't hurt me, right? But that's what Mom said when she brought him home that day, and I couldn't walk by lunch the next morning.

But he's a Vulcan, and you can't even do that to someone.

Fuck. I thought she'd left. God. I have to go now, Spock. She's woke you up.

Jim out.

 

 

 


End file.
